Bullying (part 2) Full Circle

So I shared some bullying stories to establish the fact that I was always told I was fat, STUPID and ugly, so I always BELIEVED I WAS. I really struggled to get decent grades, except for in Chorus & English. I almost failed the Math classes & had to fight for the D I had. I think my GPA was a 2.3 or so, barely passing. 

In one of the first childcare trainings I attended, they presented Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs



I sat and cried as everyone wondered what was going on. For the first time I realized I wasn't stupid I just didn't have the basic needs of feeling safe & belonging. I was in a warzone and all consumed making strategies of how I could get myself down the hill home @ days end or which hallway I could use to avoid certain people. I didn't feel safe. I wasn't safe. I was lacking other things too, and education- actually learning was clear at the top of the triangle...

Maslow's theory helped me in a profound way to realize maybe I was smart enough to pursue education but I was terrified. Remember the stories of poor leadership that inspired me to go back to college? This came in to play to combat the fear, anxiety & sheer terror that I had always categorized with school. 

Somehow I got enrolled @ Linn Benton Community College in Oregon to start on an AA DEGREE. The first day I was completely lost and running late. I had to move up these towers with stairs. I was big again & this was hard. I was slow going. This dude comes bulldozing behind me and says get out of the way fat- a-- & bumps me into the wall. Now I'm really breathing hard. Wait, no I'm panicking. I had to take 5 to recite to myself, "I am not that girl and this is not that day." Because all my past abuse at school flashed in my memory and took the wind out of sails. "I'm not that same girl," was about all I could tell myself. I walked into the classroom sweaty and late and guess what? Yep, there were the exact same chairs with desks attached & they were all that was available. I tried to tuck in. I knew I wouldn't fit. I didn't. I got to repeat this same type of thing for 2 weeks. 
Surprise I hated college.

I had a weekend class, also with Linn Benton Community College, but at a much smaller branch. In fact it was just one building with 2 levels & 3 wings. It had elevators and the layout made sense. After taking a 1 credit course I knew I wanted to switch campuses. I had meetings with the Deans at both and got it figured out. All my classes were available there too & both schools pulled some strings to let me transition right where I left off 
I found the second group of students more diverse & more accepting than the first. There were no bullies.

Just the opposite, I gained the respect & awe (I found out later 💜) of my peers in Spanish class because of how I talked. My "Maestra" had encouraged us to speak in Spanish as we knew it & she would provide the corrections. She was awesome at conjugating and constructing perfect sentences. She was great and knew her book Spanish (mostly from Spain) inside and out. BUT her pronunciation and use of the words STUNK and she would never LOVE 💕 it like I did. The students noticed as she carried on pronouncing her words like a "gringo" & having no passion as she spoke. When I responded all the students looked my way. "Asi es" this is the way we want to sound. So they called me Maestra Doce (Teacher #2) and we had many out of class lessons/conversations. It was so rewarding

Another class taught about home visiting and social work with children. I love this stuff, I'm passionate about it. When the instructor asked if anyone had been on a home visit before. I gave the honest answer, "yes! 100s of them!" That was one of my titles & jobs for 2 years, remember.  The instructor seemed a little perturbed or challenged by me & started throwing scenarios @ me. What would I do if I had left my lesson plan @ the center, if a child puked or 💩 on me during a visit. What would I do if I witnessed domestic violence or child neglect. She basically used the entire session to ask me questions and wait on my response. I was embarrassed but happy to help. After class, as in the Spanish one, I had fellow students say I was on the wrong side of the classroom, that I should be teaching. I told them no thanks, I'm here to learn. They thanked me and asked if we could talk &:I said anytime and really meant it. I spent alot of extra time with students. I didn't want to go to where I was living anyway and I was 10 hours away from all I called home. 

School became my haven, my place of refuge, my home away from home. I felt safe and accepted. I was learning new things (except for Math!)  I had friends and peers from several different backgrounds, ages, experiences and beliefs. I HAD COME FULL CIRCLE.

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