ISOLATION: THE TRUTH

 So maybe you're like I was? Watching the news or reading the paper, listening to friends share their experiences or just scrolling through Facebook memes and hearing of people dying alone &/or being isolated. It seems like I heard about senior citizens the most & it was hard to see them so desperate to talk to or just say goodbye to their families. Some got to do facetime with their loved ones, some weren't given that opportunity. All spent their time in the hospital without any visitors.

The truth is I was EXPOSED to that story of isolation with several examples. However, I had never EXPERIENCED any of it before being in a COVID ward myself. I was not prepared in any way for what was to come. I realize I can't speak for everyone who has or will suffer from COVID Hospitalization, but I'm sure most will nod their heads at something I share & say that they experienced similar things.

I don't have any recollection of my first several days except saying over & over, "please help, please God, please help me." I was in a lot of pain with no relief. I felt it when I "came to." I was really disoriented which surely wasn't helped by the nurses weird protective garb and quick/calculated times in my room. No one took time to talk to me, they just did the task (gave a shot- or 3 full syringes of- insulin, cleaned my catheter or measured and dumped it, adjusted oxygen & IV fluids, etc) then all was quiet again until the next thing was due

The COVID garb looked straight from another planet. It very closely resembled a Star Wars Droid . The head covering was a white helmet that housed a ventilator system (I was told later) so fans were by both ears and tubing went down from each & met in the middle of a back sort of like a tail. The person's hair was typically braided or wrapped around that tubing and looked like a part of their being.  Because the fans were by both ears, they were always yelling (that was explained later too.) I had a crashing headache often and their yelling was so annoying and painful for me. I interpreted it as them being upset with me and/or thinking I was ignorant and couldn't understand what they were saying. Neither was true - I was super out of it. 

From the helmet came a full face shield which was covering a masked face. The disposable gown/scrubs seemed to fit everyone tightly & maybe that was the point? When they'd bring their arms together in a flex, the material would pop off of them and quickly be discarded. It was a weird plastic material that looked like it had been imprinted with 1000s of Legos. Of course they had plastic booties over their shoes and gloves on. They were completely covered from head to toe, yet offered me no touch or even a 2 minute chat. I'm left to summarize that many were in total fear of this dreaded COVID & that many more wouldn't allow themselves to get attached to a patient that was supposed to die, as I was.

I felt so dirty from having not been washed & cared for. I felt untouchable & unwanted - maybe like a leper felt in Bible Times? I'm left to guess that the staff just weren't risking it (again, in garb from head to toe) they didn't want what I had. I felt less than human. I longed for touch. Clean me, look at me, speak with me not just AT me, acknowledge me in any way. It just didn't happen. It really affected me in such a profound, negative, emotionally way. I'm not the same as I was before that time. I can't be the same, now, after. I know some of what it really means to be devoid of any other human being & my heart breaks for people who are stuck in a similar situation, perhaps even for the rest of their times here on earth. 

On the bed, I was faced in the doors direction. I was too weak to move myself so I was stuck staring at the wall. The TV & window were up & behind me. The window was closed and the TV off.  I didn't realize I had a TV and had no idea how to even turn it on for the first week or so. One respitory specialist asked how I was sleeping & suggested a calming music channel to keep on at night. That instrumental music- which would usually irritate me- became like a friend to me instead.  The music was a game changer!  

There was one chaplain who held my hand and prayed for me! Her touch made me cry. That was such an answer to my personal prayers & to my mom, who just wanted to be there but was forbidden to. For many days, the staff couldn't find my phone charger, nor half the time my phone. While I was on the bigger air machines I couldn't talk anyhow. Just nods & sounds which worked for the nurses and staff. That's all they had time for, some type of consent I guess. 

I was alone. Hours and hours upon end. One nurse offered me an I Pad & said my mom was on there. I guess Mom had been calling to check up on me & asked the right person if we could talk. She & my Daddy were on the line. I cried inside in front of them and wept openly when we had to hang up.  I got to see Fono on there a couple times, though he was often gone when mom could call. Somewhere in that time, I finally was reconnected with my phone and its charger. Hooray. I called family & friends & texted my heart out. Thanks to any of you reading this that may have spent time with me on the phone! I needed it! I still need it! Thanks more than words for those of you who prayed for me! I needed it! I still need prayers and appreciate you thinking of me.

I think we humans were MADE for companionship. We thrive & find strength to carry through by our connections to others. To touch, laugh with, have deep conversations, listen, vent, just "be there." It's such a big deal & one thing we tend to take for granted until it is taken from us! Even in the bible times, God sent the disciples out 2 by 2. He knew 1 on a solo mission would soon burn out & lose vision but as 2 they could encourage one another & complete their tasks. 

So no matter your situation or living arrangement of present, I hope you have a one or many other ones that can be there with you through life's celebrations and life's challenges. If not, I hope you'll find someone to let into your world; to impact & help he or she "do life," to love on & be loved by, to share in all the glory & all the craziness of life! I'm so thankful for my God, who truly never left me alone, forsaken & unwanted (Psalm 139). I'm so thankful for my husband who talked me through so many restless times & promised me that things would get better. I'm thankful for my parents who have always been here for me, in every way they can. They are heroes and loves in my life. For my brothers & their toots, who bring such joy, energy & blessings to me, for extended family and friends who prayed, called, cared... I thank God so much. I thank you all so much. I was ISOLATED physically but never really alone- I held all of you in my heart

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